men are trash

You've probably heard this sentiment a lot from women, whether it's on social media or just women talking among themselves, or anywhere else women are being heard.

I remember when I heard this and got offended. "Well I'M not trash!" (I definitely was, still might be but trying to work on it at least.) On top of that, I never understood why women could express this sentiment without backlash, but men couldn't express similar ones about women without being labeled misogynistic, part of the patriarchy, etc. (things like "women aren't funny", "women aren't naturally competitive", "women don't like nerdy things" - all of which are views I almost certainly held in my younger, more incel-esque* days).

I'm starting to get it now. It comes with a serious and honest examination of your privilege as a man (something I had begun way before I had any serious thoughts about gender). For example, a privilege that men have is that in general they probably never have to worry about being unsafe. If you have the privilege of not having to think about that for yourself, chances are good that you won't realize others (especially women) don't have the same privilege, and some of your behavior will reflect that - you might act towards women in a way that they can't be sure of their safety. Most women in this situation will probably err on the side of staying safe, which might mean not contacting you, not meeting up with you, not getting in a car with you, or any other behaviors that you might parse as her not liking you or not trusting you. Something you might take personally if, again, you weren't considering her priorities. When you go down this line of thinking, a lot of those trope-y misogynistic sentiments kind of just melt away. She wasn't being a bitch** to you, she was just looking out for herself. She doesn't hate "nerdy" things, she just doesn't want to be condescended to. She wasn't "unfunny", she just didn't like your racist and sexist humor. So on and so forth. (Although I think it's fair for a woman to not like anyone that exhibits those behaviors, in which case it probably is personal, but it's not uniquely personal to you, it applies to everyone that acts shitty like you. I digress.)

I hear "men are trash" now and don't take it personally, even though part of me wants to be like, "but not me right? 🥺" even though I know there's a greater than 50% chance that anyone I'd say that to would say "yes Alex even you" and it would hurt my feelings. Instead, I wonder what I can do to improve the situation.

As I see it my options are:

1) try to set a better example for other men

2) distance myself from men entirely.

In both cases I am both obligated and delighted to 3) keep striving to improve myself, my understanding of the world, and my treatment of others.

One problem with 1) is that the men who need the most help are men that probably would never listen to a man like me. You know, someone with pronouns in their bio. That's one thing (of many) that makes me feel like men are a lost cause and I should focus on 2). 

But 2) has a ton of problems. It has too many different forms. I could be decidedly non-binary and make effort to signal as such to everyone. I could decide that maybe I am experiencing dysphoria and look into what transitioning entails. Both of those feel like they're way too loud for me (as I've mentioned in my previous posts). I hate drawing too much attention to myself. Or, I could quietly distance myself from being a man to the people close to me, and just be "male-passing" (is that a thing?). All while still blending into society as a man and collecting my various male privileges. That doesn't sit right with me either. Why should I get the best of both worlds? Why should I experience all the upsides of gender exploration with none of the downsides? Isn't that what appropriation is?

I don't like being a man.

As always you can connect with me at https://curiouscat.qa/AlexMajlatonhttps://curiouscat.qa/AlexMajlaton

* At no point have I ever identified as an "incel". Luckily, I didn't learn what it was until very long after I climbed out of the quicksand that might have led me to be one. That said, some of my behavior in my late teens and early 20's probably heavily overlapped with that of an incel.

** Not sure where to land on this word. I felt like it was useful to illustrate my point. I agree that it can have heavy misogynistic implications. If you're a man, don't call women bitches and don't call your buddies bitches when they demonstrate weakness. Probably just remove it from your vocabulary entirely for now. That said, I don't think this has the same gravity as some other slurs and is easier to work back in once you understand it more.